C-section blues...

"When you were born I held you wet and unfolding, like a butterfly newly born from the chrysalis of my body." - Joy Harjo, "Rainy Dawn," In Mad Love and War (1990)

There... there is a quote I painfully read. My heart aches and bleeds feelings of regret and jealously towards those who can relate to them.


I can taste them on the tip of my tongue, but know I will (probably) never truly know the full flavor of each poetic word...


Lately I've been obsessing over baby shows. Watching the new moms embrace their new, fresh, sweet babies into their open arms, tears staining their faces... breathing each other in at that first moment... that moment where the baby emerges and the next thing you know it they're resting on your chest. 9 months of waiting and you finally get to hold that gentle little soul that has been your company day in and day out every single day for 40 or so weeks.


This obsession is not a good one for me, but I can't seem to pull myself away from watching... I envy them... I WANT that... that moment... the moment I missed. It breaks my heart to even think about now.


Yes, I understand that if I hadn't had the c-section, David would never of made it... and his safety is all that matters to me... but there's still this empty place inside of me where that moment was meant to go. That treasured moment most mom's get to have. I have found myself remembering when my niece was born 2 years ago, and feeling envy now at how smoothly her birth went... how beautiful that moment was for my sister in law and my brother... watching her enter this world and celebrating it.

Envy...
Jealousy...
Heartbreak...

I keep reminding myself I didn't have a choice... and I feel like that should be good enough to make the pain go away... but it doesn't. All I can think about is when I saw them take him away... I only got to look at him... brush my fingers on the top of his head... and then "poof" he was gone... my hopes and dreams of holding him vanished for the next 3-4 hours while I was being stitched back up and put into recovery. The only way I kept myself sane was to talk to every nurse or doctor that came by about how excited I was to finally hold him... "How much longer till I can see him?" "is it time yet?" they would come back and tell me I had to be able to move my legs first. So I sat there and focused... it was like the scene in "Kill Bill" where she says to herself, "wiggle your big toe.... wiggle your big toe..." I did just that... over and over and over again... I would feel a slight movement but nothing they could see. So the waiting continued.

The moment I first saw him would flash in my mind over and over again as I faded in and out of drugged sleep... when I was awake I would cry happy and sad tears at the same time...

I remember feeling jealous and slightly angry that my husband whom I love so much was up there in the nursery with our precious gift. I shouldn't of felt that way... David was safe, he was healthy, he was with his daddy... but I wanted to be the first one to hold him... to kiss his head...

Any way...

I guess I've been feeling like I've been losing my mind over this... the thoughts and memories and feelings have kept me awake at night, tossing and turning. The voice in my head reminding me that his health is what was most important and I know that... I understand that... but I still miss that moment I never got to have.

I'm so very bonded with my little boy, but I wonder, what if I had had that moment, would we be even closer? I was so afraid he wouldn't know me by the time I got out of recovery... what a silly thought... that the baby who knew me from the very first moment of life wouldn't know me after only 3-4 hours of being away from me...

I guess I am silly... but I can't shake these feelings... and I wonder, will there be hope for that moment with my next child? Or will that hole, that blank spot, get bigger?

On that note, I'm going to go snuggle with my little love muffin, hold him close, breathe him in... the way we like to be.

~Krista

The Birth Story

It's already been 5 and a half months since I had my little boy, and I haven't even told the story on my baby blog... so I figured I'd better get my butt in gear and let every one in on how the delivery went with my little David Keegan.



Starting August 1st (which is also the birthday of my dear little niece Josie who came a little early, being only 30 weeks) I began to have contractions... went to the hospital, got sent home after a day there... they told me to wait till the pain level got to a 5-6... so I waited a week, then it got to that level, so we went back into the hospital... and again, got sent home after a day there... even though the contractions were very regular, being 2-5 mins apart for up to 3 hours or more at a time.




Well.... I was getting very frustrated. I was still at a 2 cm at my last check up, she had me make an appointment for the Monday after my due date to schedule to be induced by Tuesday or Wednesday if I didn't have him by that coming Sunday which was the 16th, and my estimated due date. I tried everything, herbal teas, massage points, I walked all the time...but I had trouble sleeping, was in pain almost all the time, couldn't work any more... it was just... enough already.




Then Monday, August 17th at 3:30am I dreamed I was in pain... and to my surprise, I awoke to even more pain then I was used to... I waited it out, counting the contractions, how long they lasted and how far apart. Around 6-7am I woke Jeff to tell him things are definitely happening... but in fear of being sent home, I waited longer. I decided to call my clinic and ask if I could bump my appointment (to set up an appointment to get induced Tues. or Weds that week) to a morning one. They told me they thought it would be better if I just went to the hospital. So Jeff and I packed up yet again and headed out to the hospital. They monitored me for a few hours. I was at about a 3-4... so they let me stay a little longer... then nothing changed. The nurse came in and started talking about maybe sending me home, yet again... and I started to cry. I just couldn't handle the lack of sleep and the constant pain any more. I told her to tell the doctor on call that I had an appointment that day to schedule and induction and begged her to ask him to break my water and get this going.



THANKFULLY he decided to do just that.



Dr. Jones, my angel, came in and broke my water and started me on the pitocin. Jeff called his parents and told them to pack up and head on down. I called my parents and told them as well.



After only 2 hours my contractions started to top the charts all on their own so they took me off the inducer. My body pretty much went into over drive and eventually I accepted a painkiller that would last a few hours. When I got to about a 6 I finally accepted the epidural. The doctor said I did really well with that, didn't move a budge, which is good cause I was really nervous.



Only a little bit of time went by before I started noticing the nurses running into the room on several occasions to check on the baby's heart rate. The contractions were getting too strong, and I wasn't progressing the way I should... they decided to put me at an upside down angle to get David's head away from the cervix to give him a break from the pressure. Shortly after that I felt a pain through the epidural... it made the doctor nervous. They called in the surgeon and they decided it would be best for me to get a C-section because David's heart rate was dangerously low and the pain could be a bad sign as well. So I agreed and they stopped my contractions and numbed me up... before I knew it we were in another room and they were getting ready to get my little man out.



Jeff joined me not long after. He held my hand during the surgery and reassured me. We were both nervous... I know we had both cried at one point...



I remember I was shaking a lot... teeth chattering... shock maybe?



45 mins go by and they finally tell me that they were almost there... told me I would feel a lot of pressure ... and then... I held my breath... then there... in the clanking and clattering of the doctors, I heard the most beautiful sound... the first cry of my son, my sweet, my everything...



I cried when I heard him... I turned my head to the sound as they carried him over to the care station... Jeff looked at me, kind of torn between the two of us... I let go of him and told him to quite go and get pictures... I watched through watery tear filled eyes as they cleaned him up. The huge smile on Jeffry's face... the smile that had to mirror the smile I had on my face...

Soon they let Jeff hold him by my face so David and I could see each other... I cried... ( I cry now just thinking about it ) ... David calmly looked into my face, knowingly, lovingly... I wanted so much to hold him... I brushed my hand across the top of his head. They offered to take a picture of our new family, so Jeff handed off his camera and I tried to bend head enough to see the camera... was hard to do since I was upside down compared to Jeff and David.



After the portraits were done, they took David, and Jeff went with him... my heart broke as I watched them go... but I just kept telling myself, I'll get to see him soon... as they stitched me up I kept talking about him... about the pregnancy... anything to keep me from freaking out... I so wanted to hold him.



A few hours go by and they came to get me. I got into my room and next thing I see is Jeffry coming into the room with the tiny little hospital cart holding my precious baby boy... they handed him to me and I burst out into tears... my love, my life, everything that was within me was now in my arms... No matter how tired I was... no matter the pain... nothing mattered at this moment cept for my love for him and they way he knew.



Family came in shortly after to be introduced to him... to hold him for the first time.



We only sent him back to the nursery for that first night to try to get some sleep. From there on he stayed in the room with me unless they needed to weigh him or test him for stuff...



It was an interesting experience... and I can't wait to do it again! I know I sound crazy, but it was all worth it in the end when I got to hold him... I've been in love with him since he was just a tiny little bean and I'm still madly in love with him now that he's almost 6 months old. :)



I'm trying to get Jeffry to write down his side of what happened so I can post it here as well. Here's to hoping he'll do it ;)



Love to all. :)