Something fresh...

Nothing like waking up on a Monday morning in your own bed after being away for the weekend, with a new fresh hair cut (nice and short), and a nice fresh hot cup of coffee.  This Monday would be perfect if my little man was in a good mood, but alas, weekend trips always throw him off his schedule... and this... this takes me two weeks MAX to get him back into his normal routines and schedules... and those two weeks for mommy means lack of sleep and shot nerves.

At least I have my blog... my comfy little corner to melt away into while he lays in the other room screaming away... that scream you can't seem to calm... that scream that breaks your mommy heart.  He was obviously over tired (since he was up in the middle of the night screaming), but I tried to rock him, nurse him... let him sit with me in the family room... nothing was calming him down, being with me seemed to make it worse, so I just laid him down and went back into the family room and just sat here tense, fighting ever instinct to go back in there.  Sometimes we just have to accept that there's nothing you can do to help, and just let them work it out, no matter how much you hate it.

Over the weekend, David finally crawled forward!  I missed it. :(  George and I were out getting our hair done.  While I was waiting for George's cut to be done, Jeffry called me to tell me that he crawled to him and Grandpa Jeff.  At least he did it with one of us... Daddy will have that special memory to share with him when he's older. :)  I told him to get a video of him doing it.  He was stubborn after that.  They only got a little video of him.

In other news, we should be closing on May 28th now instead of June 1st.  We are SO excited.  First thing we're going to try to do is finish the basement so we can have the guest room done for family visits.  David's first birthday is creeping up on us here in a few months, and we'll need a place for Jeff's parents to stay. We're also having fun looking at how we're going to decorate.

Oh! Last night we had dinner at my brother and sister in law's house with the family, and towards the end of dinner, my brother said it was funny but nice that everyone was there because it was a year ago (yesterday) that they had found out Erika was pregnant with dear sweet little Frederick (rip sweet little angel), and they had just found out she is expecting again.  I had my mouth full of food when he said that... if I hadn't had food in my mouth I would of screamed!!!  I'm so excited for them I could dance on the moon!  I'm getting a twin vibe from her, so we'll see... if not twins, I think it'll be a boy.  SO excited.

(Erika, I love you so much sis, and I'm here all the way through!  and you know I'll be there to take pictures. :) Jeff can watch David so I can be there. :)  Oooo now I really can't wait till January... which is something I don't usually say cause I don't usually care for that month... haha tooo COLD!)

So I better get to knitting!!!  Gotta prepare for my little niece or nephew(s?) ;)  So excited. :)  Have I said I was excited????

Well, that was the best news I could hear!  And on that note I better go check on my crabby little boy... hope you all had a good weekend, and a great Monday!

C-section blues...

"When you were born I held you wet and unfolding, like a butterfly newly born from the chrysalis of my body." - Joy Harjo, "Rainy Dawn," In Mad Love and War (1990)

There... there is a quote I painfully read. My heart aches and bleeds feelings of regret and jealously towards those who can relate to them.


I can taste them on the tip of my tongue, but know I will (probably) never truly know the full flavor of each poetic word...


Lately I've been obsessing over baby shows. Watching the new moms embrace their new, fresh, sweet babies into their open arms, tears staining their faces... breathing each other in at that first moment... that moment where the baby emerges and the next thing you know it they're resting on your chest. 9 months of waiting and you finally get to hold that gentle little soul that has been your company day in and day out every single day for 40 or so weeks.


This obsession is not a good one for me, but I can't seem to pull myself away from watching... I envy them... I WANT that... that moment... the moment I missed. It breaks my heart to even think about now.


Yes, I understand that if I hadn't had the c-section, David would never of made it... and his safety is all that matters to me... but there's still this empty place inside of me where that moment was meant to go. That treasured moment most mom's get to have. I have found myself remembering when my niece was born 2 years ago, and feeling envy now at how smoothly her birth went... how beautiful that moment was for my sister in law and my brother... watching her enter this world and celebrating it.

Envy...
Jealousy...
Heartbreak...

I keep reminding myself I didn't have a choice... and I feel like that should be good enough to make the pain go away... but it doesn't. All I can think about is when I saw them take him away... I only got to look at him... brush my fingers on the top of his head... and then "poof" he was gone... my hopes and dreams of holding him vanished for the next 3-4 hours while I was being stitched back up and put into recovery. The only way I kept myself sane was to talk to every nurse or doctor that came by about how excited I was to finally hold him... "How much longer till I can see him?" "is it time yet?" they would come back and tell me I had to be able to move my legs first. So I sat there and focused... it was like the scene in "Kill Bill" where she says to herself, "wiggle your big toe.... wiggle your big toe..." I did just that... over and over and over again... I would feel a slight movement but nothing they could see. So the waiting continued.

The moment I first saw him would flash in my mind over and over again as I faded in and out of drugged sleep... when I was awake I would cry happy and sad tears at the same time...

I remember feeling jealous and slightly angry that my husband whom I love so much was up there in the nursery with our precious gift. I shouldn't of felt that way... David was safe, he was healthy, he was with his daddy... but I wanted to be the first one to hold him... to kiss his head...

Any way...

I guess I've been feeling like I've been losing my mind over this... the thoughts and memories and feelings have kept me awake at night, tossing and turning. The voice in my head reminding me that his health is what was most important and I know that... I understand that... but I still miss that moment I never got to have.

I'm so very bonded with my little boy, but I wonder, what if I had had that moment, would we be even closer? I was so afraid he wouldn't know me by the time I got out of recovery... what a silly thought... that the baby who knew me from the very first moment of life wouldn't know me after only 3-4 hours of being away from me...

I guess I am silly... but I can't shake these feelings... and I wonder, will there be hope for that moment with my next child? Or will that hole, that blank spot, get bigger?

On that note, I'm going to go snuggle with my little love muffin, hold him close, breathe him in... the way we like to be.

~Krista